Healing Starts When You Stop Keeping Tabs on Them
If you find yourself here reading this blog post, odds are you have been hurt in some way by another person and you are feeling stuck in the pain. It is even likely that you no longer want this person in your life in the capacity that they once were but you don’t know how to move forward. The people who care about us can tell us to “move on” and that we deserve better but those statements can feel invalidating and dismissive. So where does healing start? This looks different for everyone of course, but I recommend taking a step back and doing some self-reflection and introspection. Start by asking yourself how are you actively perpetuating your own pain? Being honest with ourselves is difficult. As a therapist my clients frequently share with me, frequent intrusive thoughts about the past relationship with the person that hurt them and borderline compulsive behaviors they engage in order to cope with the pain.
Now the title of this post comes into play. The pain can feel so intense that we engage in physical, emotional, and behavioral patterns that we think are helping us to feel less overwhelmed and more in control. In the reality, these patterns are not serving the purpose that we believe they are. We are actually keeping ourselves stuck in a relentless cycle of dysregulation and lack of self-respect. For example, you struggle to resist the urge to look up the person that hurt you on social media to “see what they are up to” since exiting your life. You believe that if you know what they are doing (even though social media is curated and cannot capture a person’s entire authentic life!) then you will feel informed and validated. Consider that this social media checking behavior is actually perpetuating and intensifying feelings like low self-esteem, resentment, grief, and inadequacy.
So how do you begin to respond to this discomfort in a more helpful, serving way? You must start with showing yourself a whole lot of compassion, grace, and validation. You can send well wishes out into the Universe or whatever method of release that aligns with your spiritual or religious beliefs. That person lost access to your presence, energy, and attention as a consequence of their disrespect. When you feel the urge to open up those “tabs” on them, try one of these tips to begin breaking that cycle and foster the healing you deserve:
Set a timer for 5-10 minutes to start and PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN. Find a basic distraction i.e. dishes, a to-do list, read. Check in with how your body and mind feel after.
Invest this pent-up energy in yourself. Move your body in a joyful way, lean into a hobby, set healing intentions, ask yourself what you really need in this moment.
Actually use your safe supports! Share with them what you are experiencing in that moment or don’t and simply share a funny video or FaceTime to catch-up with them.
You are bound to fall back into unhelpful patterns but just know that the grief will weaken, love who you are now, I am proud of you, and F them🙂.
“Pain in this life is not avoidable, but the pain we create avoiding pain is avoidable.”
DISCLAIMER: All views and information on this site/post are my own and do not represent the opinions of any entity whatsoever with which I have been, am now, or will be affiliated. The information on this site/post are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any mental illnesses. I, the author, do not in any way guarantee or warrant the accuracy, completeness, or usefulness of any message and will not be held responsible for the content of any message. Always consult your personal physician(s) for specific medical and/or mental health advice and/or treatment.
