You Can Be Proud of Your Family Roots and Also Need to Heal From Them
As a therapist who specializes in treating developmental trauma (AKA attachment trauma or trauma that occurs within our closest most intimate relationships), I find myself giving my clients this same gentle reminder but I figured others out there may also benefit from hearing it. We hear all the time that healing from trauma is not linear and is continuous process but what isn’t talked about as much, that can be very validating to be aware of, is the role of radical acceptance and duality of emotions. Let’s define these shall we! Radical acceptance is the practice of accepting things as they are without judgement while honoring the difficult situations and emotions. Duality of emotions is when we hold more than what emotion about something simultaneously without one or the other being more valid.
When we experience something that is traumatic, our entire being is thrown into a state of overwhelm and survival and this makes it literally impossible to apply perspective and critical thinking to what is is we are experiencing. This can result in all or nothing, black or white, overgeneralization, and/or emotional reasoning types of distorted thinking and perception of one’s self and the world around them. To take this even deeper, for humans when someone we love and trusted violates/abuses us, we find ourselves facing an internal battle between feeling love, guilt, and empathy toward the person and also feeling betrayed, sad, and angry. It is very difficult to find peace in allowing all of the emotions to exist equally without judgement.
Intergenerational patterns of dysfunction, abusive behaviors, and norms can run very deep in families. These patterns are a part of our cultural roots and our family of origin. It is okay to give yourself permission to separate from, unlearn, and replace these dynamics that have caused you pain. These things co-exist with roots that we feel so proud of, like the helpful qualities, values, and ethics we were raised on. As someone born, raised, and continuing to live in Appalachia Ohio, I have also had to navigate these internal battles and make my own path to healing all while holding strong pride in my Appalachian roots. If this content resonates with you, please take this as a gentle reminder to show all parts of yourself compassion and know that you can have both now. You can be proud of your family of origin and cultural roots while also taking the steps that you need to heal from the trauma that has been inflicted upon you. You can change your own narrative and role that you have fulfilled in this system that has been your life. As you begin the journey or de-construction, I encourage you to start building a new branch of your support system where you can be your full authentic self.
“We all carry inside us, people who came before us.”
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